Serene Chaos

Momma, when are you coming home?/
There’s no dinner at the table, my brother and I are alone/
Papa, did you find your way/
I look up at the stars, thinking of life, hoping for easier ways/

Sister, thank you for loving me/
Eighteen years old, you should live young, wild and free/
Betsy, you old lovable mutt/
My lone friend in the world, but it’s quite enough/

No way, should I be feeling this/
Twelve years old, grown up so cold, I know how it is/
Look in the mirror, I see some hurt in my eyes/
Raising my time, tryin to unwind, on our own and we’ll be fine/

With a shopping cart, tryin to play it smart/
Lookin for deals, the prices are unreal/
I sold some clothes to the saver store/
Brother and I can finally have a our own bedroom doors/

Sister, you have your own family/
Thanks for your help, but we’re used to it you see/
Papa where have you been/
it’s been six years since I’ve seen your face in my dreams again/

Repeat Chorus

Look at him, so proud he achieved his dreams/
Still there’s an whole in my heart/
Questioning what about me?/

Excuse me miss, mind if I look into your eyes/
I see a tiny sparkle, underneath that hazel tired/
Now I can’t promise the world, but I can promise one thing/
You let me love you, on your own you will never seem/

This song explains it all. Everything in life is not as it seems, but with our true friends and loved ones, it’s seems like hope is all we have. I hope love can help us see for miles, and miles and miles.

“Every man needs a purpose”.

It always comes back to that quote. Words that hold me in their arms. Jesus! They are just fucking words! Its unfathomable to imagine that a quote I heard years ago, still has a strangle hold on me. Its crazy to think that a purpose even exists in this hurtful, cruel world. Lets face it, thats what the world is. You know some people say, life is what you make of it. That is not true at all.

Bad shit happens all across this world. Poverty stricken families, single mothers and/or fathers, raising a flock of children the best they can, and still being looked down upon by society and labeled as irresponsible. Murder, addictions, theft, greed or whatever the fuck else you want to call it. We all have our demons and we most definitely all have our struggles.

I believe that the young people of the world today is not lazy, is not weak of mind and spirit, and I definitely feel like the young people of the world want to have some worth. It’s just that everything around us, which is supposed to give us some hope and satisfaction in ourselves, always ends up hurting us. Some people say that you cant experience joy without pain. Whoever in the fuck said that, is one-hundred percent correct. My only thing is this, how much pain do we have to experience.

Some of you (if any), read this and say, what in the fuck does this guy know about pain? I dont know, maybe you are right. I havent lived a bad life. My parents tried the only way they knew how to provide for us growing up. They never left us. They never allowed us to grow up in the slums. They never wanted failure for us. They were your typical parents. Cant complain about that. I am lucky.

I am also very spoiled. Not from my parents, they never did that to us either. But I guess I am spoiled because I really have a hard time appreciating the accepted ‘good’ that this world has to offer. Everything I stated earlier, all the bad, is a tough pill to swallow. Ive definitely wronged some people in my lifetime, and vice versa, but one thing I was never taught from anybody, is how to deal and to get back on the road. I never have and still dont, know how to recover from bad situations.

Call me a pussy, call me a quitter, call me lazy. Call me whatever the fuck you want to call me. Just dont call me a guy who hasnt tried to love. You see, I know what my problem is in life. I just fucking explained it to all of you. I know what the problems of the world are. I see it everyday. I just dont know what the resolution is. Some may say, you can only find it within yourself. You cant worry about what others think of you, or do, or say in any matter. Fuck everyone else, because the only person that matters is you.

That is complete and utter bullshit. Because if I was the only fucking person that mattered, there wouldnt be a billion other people in this world. Thats the fucking truth. This is my struggle. I want to share joy with others. I want others to be apart of my struggles and fucking triumph to greatness. I dont give a fuck what the standard of greatness is. To me greatness is sitting with your  loved ones right next to you, with no judgement. With no anger. With no fucking plot.

Sure, say its all fucking unrealistic. You are right. Maybe it is, but arent we suppose to lookout for one another instead of just oursleves. Maybe Im just not fit for this shit. Maybe yall aint fit for me. Regardless of whichever one it is. We are here among each other. I want to figure out a way to make it happen. LIFE! LOVE!

Many of us consider being vulnerable a weakness. If we show our vulnerability, we are letting others destroy us. We have become a culture of malice, including myself. Quite frankly, Im exhausted from it, and Ive only been alive for twenty-four years. I know this whole piece is irrelevant to alot of you, but for some hope deep within, I hope you can all read this one day down the road, and understand and know, that someone gets it. You are not alone in your discontent with how we have allowed ourselves to become: Great Human Beings disguising ourselves with falsities.

We are truely great, that is why there is only one human race. Each culture with their own uniqueness. How do we get on the road to happiness? I am wishful thinking here, but can someone please take a ride with me to find it? Cant do it alone. Dont want to do it alone.

Restless nights are ten-fold. Inadequate is a word that defines his soul. Having happiness within him has been a long while ago. It has definitely been so long since I’ve seen your face.

Freedom is no longer a choice, but something that has a wanderment of when it will end. Dedication is a meaning that will never understand. Commitment is a task to never be achieved. It has definitely been so long since I’ve seen your face.

Love is a simple estimation that is never exact. Nature determines what lies ahead for him. The traffic in the sky is factoring the heavens will at hand. The stars have fallen before they have even reached the fan. It has definitely been so long since I’ve seen your face.

To each is all as to each their own. All is fair in love and war. Let it be was the wise words the foursome said. Let it be was serenity. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face.

What is good? 

Who is God?

Who am I?

Where are we going?

How will we get there?

Is it good?

Love arises?

Love in doubt?

Forever is the destination.

TRUTH

     We as human beings are supposed to strive for perfection. How do we know what perfection is though? According to Webster’s dictionary, the term Perfect consists of this: 

per·fect/ˈpərfikt/

“Every person needs a purpose in his life”. - Bobby Gomez

   I was twenty years old in the front seat of an SUV that was hauling down interstate 410. I was in San Antonio, Texas on a mini vacation with my two best friends, Evan Gomez and Daniel Steffensen. We had just finished playing a round of golf with Evan’s father named Bob, who generously let Danny and I stay that week in his home with his family. The quote stated up above summed up the purpose of why I went on that trip. I had kind of an epiphany in that moment. It was as if God wanted me to hear that statement. It has stayed with me three years later.

    “Everything is bigger in Texas”, is what the flight captain said when we landed at the San Antonio airport. Well, when I got off the plane and looked toward the right of me, I had seen this huge Texas flag that was hovering over the front entrance of the pick-up zone. I was intrigued, and a bit terrified at the same time. I didnt know how the trip was going to turn out and I definitely didn’t know how a wholesome family was going to perceive me. I was in an unknown situation, but I went with it.

     I’m not going to go in depth about the trip, lets just say it was the most fun I had without any alcoholic beverage in me and it was just great to live with no worries. No real concern about work, no stress about exams and definitely no bickering from the parents. I felt free and I thought I was a going to end up staying there. 

    It seemed like my whole experience of that trip was a metaphor. It seems as if I haven’t had that good of a time since and that I have forgotten to just go with it. 

    I came back from that trip affected by Bob’s statement and searching for my purpose. I tried everything. I tried working in law enforcement as a corrections officer. That didn’t last and thank God that it didn’t. I even enlisted in the U.S. Army and just recently received a medical discharge after seven weeks of basic training. It didn’t matter what kind of opportunities presented themselves to me, I was determined I was going to serve a greater purpose then myself. Well I did and none of them worked out. I have failed miserably at finding my purpose in this world thus far. I have briefly realized though, that while I was so busy trying to find a purpose, I forgot to get to know myself as a person and I have forgot to live life on a day to day basis. I have forgotten how to live life and it has gotten me nowhere.

    My purpose in this life; I have not the slightest clue, but ultimately if I live a humble, fun filled one that will give me a sense of purpose then I think that I will be alright in the long haul. It isn’t a daunting task either. I just have to go with what the world brings to me each day. Its so easy to get caught up in the terms ‘success’ or ‘accomplishment’, that we forget about the journey. I think the purpose of success is the journey. The joys we experience when we put forth effort into something that just feels natural and the heartache we consume when the natural becomes a bit challenging.

   When we try too hard to commit ourselves to a purpose, we usually get lost in it, at least that has been my experience. We all have a niche about us, a certain kind of strength that we possess. A passion that just fuels us to want to be better. I believe mine is writing, some may believe that theirs is athletics, entertainment, or an adventure. But we get so configured with the idea of ‘success’ that we don’t take the time to indulge in these desires. I guess what I’m trying to say is why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be just a ‘term’. A certain kind of category that fills in the blanks of this worlds great story. 

     Now this is not to say that we are bigger or even better than what the world has to offer, but why cant we say, “hey, I don’t need a purpose for you, you need one for me.” I grew up listening to the good ole’ cliche of “Life isn’t fair”, and maybe it isn’t. I don’t think that it should be this hard however. If we have certain types of gifts and certain types of desires, then why don’t we act on them? I think its because the unknown is too scary and if we put a goal in place that’s within our reach, a certain ‘purpose’, then we think that we will be comfortable, once achieved the purpose. But all it does is leave us with regret and anguish.

     I admire the filmmakers, the musicians, and the athletes, because as the character Ryan Bingham states in the film Up in the Air, “They set their sights on what they loved, and had the audacity to go through the journey.” Basically, they never put any pressure on themselves to achieve anything, they just went out did what they loved. To me this can be applied to anything in life and to me depending on who you are, if we followed what we loved, the world would definitely find a collective purpose, an unknown gift that we can just go with: Joy. Joy to live our life as we are meant to live it and a joy that will consecrate our existence. The unknown is our journey and now let us find our purpose through it.